I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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