dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
