How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
