Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
