actually, I'm a sock model
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
