I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
