I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
