mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
