The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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