Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
