Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
