I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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