You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
