I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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