peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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