Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
