The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
