i already hear my dad disowning me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
