ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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