Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
