There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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