She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
