I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
