my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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