I can feel you judging me through the phone.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
