Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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