I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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