If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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