the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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