Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
