dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
