id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
