i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm passing your future prison.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
