i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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