Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
