i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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