She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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