I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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