halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
