i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
