Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
