i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
