Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
