i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
