Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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