I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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