Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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