We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
