i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
