I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
